Writers are often those who would otherwise be left out of the conversation. The only way they can get a word in is to write it down.
Below is a screenshot of an ad that showed up on one of my websites. Hopefully for the sake of anyone clicking that ad, the search results find a college that knows the difference between plural and possessive forms of various words like, say, “college.” 🙂
An oldie but a goodie. At least it still makes me laugh …
by William Arthur “Bill” Holmes. © Copyright 1990
Driving around town the other day, I somehow ended up in Hollywood. I don’t get to Hollywood much anymore and don’t usually find myself missing it. But it was a beautiful day. And seeing all the quaint shops — each striving for uniqueness — and the many people on the street — each striving for a unique sameness — I wondered why I ever left. On this day, Hollywood truly seemed like the place to be.
Getting hungry, I started looking for a hip, cool place to have lunch. I passed by several places with tables on the sidewalk and young, hip, sunglass-wearing people sipping coffee and smoking cigarettes. But I couldn’t have lunch at one of these places. I was alone. And, in Hollywood, alone people just don’t sit at sidewalk cafe tables for lunch.
As I stopped at a traffic light I saw a Jack-In-The-Box restaurant on my left — not exactly a cool, hip place to have lunch. But I was tired of driving around, and my stomach was telling me to stop here for lunch.
I asked Elizabeth to “call mom” on my phone. I had her do it because she was using it to watch My Little Pony on Netflix.
Next thing I know, there’s a man on the other end saying, “Hi Bill! How ya doin’?!” Who the hell is answering my wife’s phone?
Why is he being so friendly? Has she been kidnapped and this is her smart-ass kidnapper playing games? Yeah, I have a good imagination.
No. It turns out my stupid phone (Galaxy Note II) somehow inserted Alan’s (former coworker) # into one of the entries for my wife.
I had to tell Alan that, while I always liked him, he and I would never have the sort of relationship my wife and I have.
Not surprisingly, he seemed genuinely happy to hear that!
I was rearranging the pantry shelves to slide a spare shelf in under one that was sagging from the weight of too many cans. In the process, the shelf below that collapsed. One of the pins/supports fell out, sending a large turkey-sized pot (with more pots inside that) and various bottles clattering to the ground. It made a lot of noise. 🙂
My wife came out of the bedroom with a look of concern. Our daughter declared, “It wasn’t me!”
Very calmly I turned to my wife and said, “Oh, you heard that?”
She didn’t say it aloud, but the look on her face said, “Smart ass.”
Luckily, everything that fell to the ground was either metal or plastic, so nothing broke, “Other than my shattered pride,” I said.
Here’s one of my brothers reading my book, Lottery President (5.1 MB) (or here on YouTube). He seems to be enjoying it. I swear I didn’t pay him to do this. 🙂
Here’s my Amazon Author’s Page, where you can find both the paperback and Kindle versions of Lottery President and Operation Detour of your own. 🙂
The Kindle books are available through Kindle Reader software as well as on the Kindle itself.
And don’t forget the “prequel” to Lottery President, Temporary Insanity.
- Operation Detour, paperback
- Operation Detour, Kindle edition
- Lottery President, paperback
- Lottery President, Kindle edition
Or just click here.
Long before winning the lottery and running for president, Benny was living in L.A. making a living as a temp word processor. For his latest assignment, he thought he was taking just another temp job. He didn’t anticipate Venelia and the Dynamos. What the hell’s a Dynamo?