Lunch at Jack-in-the-Box

An oldie but a goodie. At least it still makes me laugh …

by William Arthur “Bill” Holmes. © Copyright 1990

Driving around town the other day, I somehow ended up in Hollywood. I don’t get to Hollywood much anymore and don’t usually find myself missing it. But it was a beautiful day. And seeing all the quaint shops — each striving for uniqueness — and the many people on the street — each striving for a unique sameness — I wondered why I ever left. On this day, Hollywood truly seemed like the place to be.

Getting hungry, I started looking for a hip, cool place to have lunch. I passed by several places with tables on the sidewalk and young, hip, sunglass-wearing people sipping coffee and smoking cigarettes. But I couldn’t have lunch at one of these places. I was alone. And, in Hollywood, alone people just don’t sit at sidewalk cafe tables for lunch.

As I stopped at a traffic light I saw a Jack-In-The-Box restaurant on my left — not exactly a cool, hip place to have lunch. But I was tired of driving around, and my stomach was telling me to stop here for lunch.



Continue reading “Lunch at Jack-in-the-Box”

Operation Detour snippets available on Facebook

The “window” into Facebook, below, seems to disappear according to the weird things Facebook is constantly doing :), so here are some other, hopefully more reliable links:

A man on the other end

I asked Elizabeth to “call mom” on my phone.  I had her do it because she was using it to watch My Little Pony on Netflix.

Next thing I know, there’s a man on the other end saying, “Hi Bill! How ya doin’?!”  Who the hell is answering my wife’s phone?

Why is he being so friendly?  Has she been kidnapped and this is her smart-ass kidnapper playing games?  Yeah, I have a good imagination.

No.  It turns out my stupid phone (Galaxy Note II) somehow inserted Alan’s (former coworker) # into one of the entries for my wife.

I had to tell Alan that, while I always liked him, he and I would never have the sort of relationship my wife and I have.

Not surprisingly, he seemed genuinely happy to hear that!

<the end>

Collapse!

I was rearranging the pantry shelves to slide a spare shelf in under one that was sagging from the weight of too many cans.  In the process, the shelf below that collapsed.  One of the pins/supports fell out, sending a large turkey-sized pot (with more pots inside that) and various bottles clattering to the ground.  It made a lot of noise. 🙂

My wife came out of the bedroom with a look of concern.  Our daughter declared, “It wasn’t me!”

Very calmly I turned to my wife and said, “Oh, you heard that?”

She didn’t say it aloud, but the look on her face said, “Smart ass.”

Luckily, everything that fell to the ground was either metal or plastic, so nothing broke, “Other than my shattered pride,” I said.


Cracking up over Lottery President

Here’s one of my brothers reading my book, Lottery President (5.1 MB) (or here on YouTube). He seems to be enjoying it. I swear I didn’t pay him to do this. 🙂

Here’s my Amazon Author’s Page, where you can find both the paperback and Kindle versions of Lottery President and Operation Detour of your own. 🙂



The Kindle books are available through Kindle Reader software as well as on the Kindle itself.

And don’t forget the “prequel” to Lottery President, Temporary Insanity.

My Books

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Or just click here.

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Long before winning the lottery and running for president, Benny was living in L.A. making a living as a temp word processor.  For his latest assignment, he thought he was taking just another temp job.  He didn’t anticipate Venelia and the Dynamos.  What the hell’s a Dynamo?

 

 

A futurized, fictionalized version of our adoption story is now available in paperback here  and electronic versions here.

New editions and links

New Kindle editions of my books, below:

Operation Detour (ASIN: B00D9YCZPC)

Lottery President (ASIN: B00D9VCP1O)

The old versions are as follows:

  • Operation Detour (ASIN: B00AF00JHY)
  • Lottery President (ASIN: B007IHCESO)


Gilmore

by William Holmes
Copyright © 2013

WARNING:  Rated “R” for language

Gilmore “Gil” Coleman and his wife Marlene (née Coleman) — no relation, as far as he knew — lived in a tiny little trailer in a tiny little trailer park in Dumont, Oklahoma.  Theirs was at the entrance.  His wife hated that.  It made her feel vulnerable.  Gil loved it.  It was easy in, easy out.  And it afforded them the largest front yard, of which he was quite proud.

Gil was a teller at the Fourth National Bank on the outskirts of Tulsa, about 30 miles south of the trailer park.  Marlene did absolutely nothing for a living and got paid just slightly less than Gil, who worked 40 hours a week, thanks to those welfare checks that kept on coming.  Gil didn’t mind that so much.  It wasn’t fair, but so long as it kept her from complaining about his paltry salary, he was fine with it.

It was a muggy summer night, and Gil was in shorts and a t-shirt, sitting in a lounge chair in the front yard.  A Thermos full of lemonade and an empty glass sat on the table to his right.  To his left was his telescope.  He had been stargazing, but was now fast asleep.



Marlene was inside watching television while tending to their dog Liberace’s newborn pups.  Their next door neighbor, Harold, slithered up from behind Gil and sneaked into Gil’s trailer.  When Marlene saw Harold, she smiled, carefully stepped over Liberace and her puppies, and led Harold by the hand to the bedroom.

Gil was awakened by an unusual sound.  It was not until he opened his eyes that he realized it wasn’t so much a particular sound as it was a complete absence of sound.  No dogs barking.  No traffic noise.  No crickets or frogs.  Well, there was the occasional creaking sound coming from the trailer, but he just figured one of the neighbors was banging his wife again.

A moment later, a large spaceship landed in the trailer park’s gravel driveway.  Gil sat frozen in his chair, staring straight ahead, completely oblivious to anything else.

[By clicking the “Read more” or “Continue reading” button below, or simply continuing past this point, you affirm that you are legally allowed to watch “R” rated movies.]

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Operation Detour, Episode 6

“I’m a computer programmer!  I’m not stupid.”

Riva says, “You were a programmer … back in the States.  Now you are just another stupid American tourist.  Anyway, you might be smart with computers, but in real life, you are a complete idiot.  All large, multi-national corporations have their own off-the-books crew of spies like me.  Never heard of corporate espionage?”

“You’ve got a funny way of influencing people,” I say.  “You threaten and insult the hell out of them.  Does that work for you?  Maybe they should send you to charm school, or at least salesmanship 101.”

Continue reading “Operation Detour, Episode 6”