Excerpts



From Operation Detour

  • “You might be smart with computers, but in real life you are a complete idiot.” — Riva
  • “Just wondering what you’ve been smoking.” — Riva
  • “That explains what’s wrong with the world.” — Alex
  • “These guys would crap their pants if they had an actual terrorist to deal with.” — Alex
  • “You cannot simply quit a job like this.” — Riva
  • “Your roommate is a drug-dealing gay gigolo! What did you expect?” — ticket agent
  • “Are there a lot of koala bears?” — Alex
  • “He has already left a slime trail leading up to me.” — Riva
  • “You do that again, sunshine, and I will leave you dead on the floor.” — Riva
  • “So we blow them up? How does that help?” — Alex
  • “What? You don’t like umbrella drinks?” — Alex
  • “Programmer, data entry clerk, whatever. How have you not gone insane already!?” — Riva
  • “It’s a very mild psychotropic.” — Serge
  • “Cruel? So what?” — Serge
  • “My girlfriends are always female.” — Alex
  • “I must find someone and … make him my bitch!” — Riva
  • “There are an awful lot of monkeys around here.” — Alex
  • “Am I in the middle of a bad dream or something?” — Alex
  • “Oh, dear God. Put some clothes on! Nobody wants to see that.” — Riva
  • “Revenge, as they say … Oh, who cares what they say.” — Serge
  • “Your charmed life is, well, no longer charmed.” — Ludwig
  • “I never hear a ‘Well done’ or ‘Nice job.’ ‘Nice ass’ doesn’t count.” — Riva
  • “Ooh, handcuffs!” — Alex


From Lottery President

  • “Why do I suddenly feel like lunch,” Benny wondered aloud, “and we’re it?”
  • “Take that money, all of it, and run for President,” Toby suggested half-jokingly.  Benny surprised them all by saying, “Toby, my jackass brother, that’s not a bad idea.  I should do that.”
  • “I don’t know who’s worse, Democrats or Republicans,” Benny explained to the host.  “They’re two sides of the same coin, you ask me.  I don’t subscribe to the left-right dichotomy promulgated by the mainstream corporate media.  It’s all part of their ‘divide and conquer’ mentality.
  • “I’m against the ‘pseudo-Communism’ that was practiced in the Soviet Union and China.  That’s actually totalitarianism.  I’m against any system that gives anyone something for nothing.  I want a democratic meritocracy.”
  • “I want a roadocracy, as in traffic.  Driving down here, it occurred to me that everyone has to follow the rules of the road.  Nobody, not even the rich and powerful, gets a wider, faster lane than is available to everyone else, right?  Roadocracy.”
  • “This country needs someone secure enough in his own mental stability to not be afraid of ‘crazy’ ideas.  All the best ideas started out as ‘crazy.’“
  • Thinking it would be funny, Toby spiked the debaters’ water, including Benny’s, with thiopental sodium, “truth serum.”  He always tried to have a supply on hand.
  • All Benny could say was, “Well, no wonder you grew up to be such an asshole.”
  • “Thank you,” Benny continued.  “In answer to your last dig, no one is better than I, and I am better than no one.”
  • “You know what I hate most?” Benny continued.  “Instead of voting their conscience – for the person they like the best – they vote ‘strategically’ for the one they think they have to vote for so that the other one doesn’t win.  The only reason an otherwise good candidate has ‘no chance’ is because the media decided ahead of time they had no chance, and the uninformed voters go along with it!“
  • “Conspiracies happen every day, especially in politics.  Ask any cop or lawyer trying a case.  Half of their cases are based on alleged conspiracy.”
  • “A smarter person would never run for president.”
  • “The main problem with this country are the people who run it.  They’re politicians.  They start out as lawyers, find that unfulfilling, and turn to politics.  We need real people in positions of power, no more elites.”
  • “I hate guns, but as long as the technology exists, I intend to own and know how to use one to defend myself if necessary.  And trust me, lately it’s been necessary.”
  • “I believe in being a good person.  I believe in life and all of its possibilities.  Organized religion, however, is the most effective crowd-control device ever invented.  It’s the Taser for the soul.”
  • “Overthrowing dictators, or any government, doesn’t have to be done militarily,” Benny explained.  “’War is not the answer,’“ he then unexpectedly half-sang the line from Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On.”
  • Toby said, “You really think the President is in charge of anything?  He’s a figurehead, a spokesman … he’s the country’s Vanna White.”
  • “Zip up your pants!” Glynnis yelled.  “Your penis is not going to be the last thing I see before I die!”

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